learning experience

each day is a new chance at life and a new opportunity to learn. there is always so much to learn about ourselves, even though we have been ourselves our whole lives. what i have learned about myself today is that when i am sad about something, i have more anxiety about eating. today i was upset about my grades and it made my decisions about food really difficult. i wanted to eat healthy, but i could not decide what to eat, so i did not eat. i went to the movies and by the time i was out of the movies i was really hungry. i still was so worried that i would "mess up" and eat something that would be high fat or high calorie that i felt really sad. so i ate a salad and heated up a microwave meal. i found that i felt really frustrated and sad about eating. what i am learning, though, is that i did not own my feelings. i actually was feeling sad and frustrated about something totally unrelated to food. it seems that i often use my weight and eating food as the scapegoat for all kinds of feelings that have nothing to do with my weight. i am finding that i am substituting one feeling of incompetence for another. the real issue is that i am feeling unsure about my future. i made my first "C" in seminary. it makes me feel like a failure because in most all grad programs it would be a failing grade. i also made a "B" on my paper for intro to hospital visitation. intro to hospital visitation. ha! i did a residency in hospital visitation. i know that this is something i am good at. it is something i can see myself doing long term. i am applying for jobs in this area, and i just made a "B." i am so sad about this. it makes me feel like i am not good enough to do what i want to do. what i have learned today is that when i am sad about things that make me feel incompetent, i push those feelings onto the thing that makes me feel most incompetent: my weight. so i try to hyper-manage my diet in a way that leaves me completely bound. this was what i learned about myself today.