eating intuitively

so this week i got kinda down on myself one day about not being as strict as i should with what i am eating. i decided to join weight watchers (for like the millionth time) today. last night i was hanging out with a good friends and i told her what i had decided. she made me promise not to join weight watchers until i bought and read the first chapter of intuitive eating by elyse resch and evelyn tribole. because i have had multiple therapists suggest this book to me and because i trust that this friend has my best interest at heart, i promised. i purchased the book on my kindle less than 24 hours ago and have already read 25% of it. i am pretty sure this idea is going to change my world.

in my last post i wrote about not wanting my blog to be about weight loss (which is something i want), but about becoming healthy. that is the idea of this book. it is all about saying "goodbye" to diets forever. it is about freeing ourselves from the guilt associated with foods, and making peace with food once and for all. the idea is based upon two important truths: our bodies have a stabilizing "natural weight" that has to do with our genetic makeup and that our bodies are magnificently engineered to be at this weight. it is about learning to eat like a toddler: eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full, enjoy your food, eat what you like and what makes you feel good.

now wouldn't that be nice, to eat what you want, when you want, maintain your weight and not feel guilty. THIS IS WHAT I WANT!! now, most people who learn eat intuitively, naturally lose some weight, but the focus is on listening to your body and trusting your body. do you know those people that eat a piece of cake when they want one, never over-think food, and still maintain their weight? the idea is that was how we were all created, but diets, societal pressures and self-deprication have gotten us into the vicious cycle of moralizing foods. this book is quick to point out that intuitive eating is not a quick fix or a diet and that if weight loss is the #1 priority this will probably not be successful. weight loss is the eventual effect of the months long process of learning to trust your bodies internal cues rather than externally imposed systems of control.

this is a scary and exciting adventure. what makes me most hopeful is that the dietitians that wrote the book say that their clients were able to have healthy relationships with foods where "bad" foods lost their power, where they gained a positive body image and all around ate better and felt better. i must say that if these are the results of following the plan in this book and i did not lose one pound, it would be worth it. if all it did was break the obsessive cycle of worrying about food, it would be enough. what it is trying to teach is that "i can have any food any time i want" but that "i don't want all the food i thought i did" and that "i don't need to feel guilty for eating the food i enjoy" especially when i stop eating when satisfied.

i admit that this all sounds sketch and too good to be true, but because so many trusted people have recommended it to me, i am giving it a shot. i also babysit toddlers regularly and i see that this is how they eat. there is no guilt associated with cookies. they love their pasta and their broccoli and tell you all about how yummy it is. they are what we were created to be. so as crazy as it may sound, i am going to try it. and let's be honest, it is no more crazy than the grapefruit diet, liquid fast diets, or slim-fast.

i should be writing my final, but...

tonight i had the privilege of having dinner with my friends kaely and delonte. we spent a lot of time talking about body image and the issues that women face. one of the things i found most helpful to talk about is the idea that we have all been sinned against by broken people. whether it is the media, an ex-boyfriend, or a parent, we have all been failed by the human capacity for love. we have not been loved well, and in return we have failed to love ourselves well. when i think about some of the reasons that i snack when i am not hungry, i know it is out of loneliness. when i think about scripture that talks about how God delights in us, i realize it is a foreign concept to me. i think i catch glimpses into what it could mean for someone to delight in me, but to really believe that God loves me so much that he takes delight in who i am seems ridiculous. i have learned through different avenues to hate myself and my body. we are taught by television, by magazines, by our mothers, our grandmothers, and all the women around us.

what i want is a revolutionized understanding of who i am. i want food to no longer be an issue because i want my focus to be on something other than food. i want to be in a place where i am naturally inclined to treat my body well and to not seek solace in food because i know what it means for the living God to delight in me. i want to no longer idolize my body (by this i do not mean worship it in that i think it is perfect, but worship it by virtue of the amount of time i spend thinking about it and worrying about it). so this makes me contemplate both the process i am using and the name of my blog. i am wondering if it is necessary to weekly weigh and measure myself. what if my goal is health in mind and body. how do we measure that? i think that weight and measurements are one other avenue to show how we do not measure up to some unknown ideal. maybe my blog should be called "terra getting healthy."

now don't get me wrong, i want to lose weight. i want to be shrinking terra. i want to get healthy and do all the things that will prolong my life and improve the quality of my life. i do think that a huge portion of healthy living is spiritual and mental health. this is the piece of the puzzle i am so often inclined to leave out. i also tend to believe that better behavior will follow better thought. i think that i will naturally make better decisions about what i eat and how i treat my body if i believe that i am delighted in by God and if i chose to stop quantifying my value by my pants size or my weight. what i long for is that this become an intuitive way of life. i want to take joy in flowers and long walks more than i take joy in a box of hot tamales. i want to comfort my pains in life with warm tea and a good cry rather than ice cream and potato chips.

so far, so good

the last couple of days have been going really well. i have been eating more fruits and veggies. one of the things that is really helping me is being sure to measure everything. i admit, it is a total pain in the rear to count out cheezits or measure out a cup of cereal, especially when you get 1/2 a bowl less that way. although, it is proven to be really helpful in that i have confidence that what i am eating is not more than what i am writing down. if i go 30 calories over my goal, i know it is only 30 and not 300.

one food that i am really loving lately are honey nut cheerios. they are the perfect amount of sweet, but i still feel like i am eating healthy, grown up cereal. plus, when it does come to measuring, i get a whole cup instead of 3/4 of a cup like a lot of cereals. 3/4 of a cup is no where near a bowl of cereal. haha. i have also been eating clementines. they are so great because they have no seeds. i hate oranges because of the seeds, so clementines are the perfect treat. they are also a great size for a snack.

i also want to give a shout out to applebee's under 550 calorie menu. i went there tonight and i had (shocker!) the asiago peppercorn steak. it was delicious. it was very well seasoned with veggies and potatoes. there were other things on the menu that look really yummy. i think i will go back and try something new. the only thing i am really struggling with lately is finding the time and energy to exercise everyday. i have done it some days and not other days. because my schedule is so crazy and ever-changing, it is hard to make it consistent.

yummy soup and tricks of the trade

today was a good day. both yesterday and today i felt "free" as far as what i have been eating. i have not felt like i was restricted to a diet. i keep trying to remind myself that i can have anything i want. no food is off limits or bad. i know that i have to remember that i am seeking balance. today i was really craving mexican food. so, my roommate and i made taco soup. it was a really cold day so it hit the spot! it had ground turkey meat, black beans, kidney beans, pinto beans, corn, cilantro, green chiles, tomatoes, and taco seasoning. after it was done i had it with some fat free sour cream, cheese, and a few chips. it was so great! it hit the spot and did not throw me into the caloric black hole of mexican food. something else that really helps me is that i have a candy jar at my house. right now it has some peanut butter cups, m&m's and fun dip in it. it is so great for me because i know that it is there and available should i want it. just knowing that it is there and i could have it if i wanted to, makes me less tempted to want to eat it all.

there are two other tricks that i have been up to that i hope are helping me with my lifestyle change. one of them is that i have given up drinking caffeine. i have not been drinking any caffeinated beverage for about three weeks now. the first week was hard, and i do occasionally want some. there have only been two occasions that i actually stopped and got a decaf coffee or a caffeine free diet coke because i was really craving the original. i hear that giving up caffeine will help keep the body significantly more hydrated. i suppose this is true because mostly i drink only water these days. my hope is that by staying hydrated my body won't confuse thirst for hunger. the second trick is taking a multi-vitamin each day. i have so much more energy when i take a vitamin. i also hope that it will help curb cravings that could come from vitamin deficiency occurring in my diet. blessings to you all! -t

learning experience

each day is a new chance at life and a new opportunity to learn. there is always so much to learn about ourselves, even though we have been ourselves our whole lives. what i have learned about myself today is that when i am sad about something, i have more anxiety about eating. today i was upset about my grades and it made my decisions about food really difficult. i wanted to eat healthy, but i could not decide what to eat, so i did not eat. i went to the movies and by the time i was out of the movies i was really hungry. i still was so worried that i would "mess up" and eat something that would be high fat or high calorie that i felt really sad. so i ate a salad and heated up a microwave meal. i found that i felt really frustrated and sad about eating. what i am learning, though, is that i did not own my feelings. i actually was feeling sad and frustrated about something totally unrelated to food. it seems that i often use my weight and eating food as the scapegoat for all kinds of feelings that have nothing to do with my weight. i am finding that i am substituting one feeling of incompetence for another. the real issue is that i am feeling unsure about my future. i made my first "C" in seminary. it makes me feel like a failure because in most all grad programs it would be a failing grade. i also made a "B" on my paper for intro to hospital visitation. intro to hospital visitation. ha! i did a residency in hospital visitation. i know that this is something i am good at. it is something i can see myself doing long term. i am applying for jobs in this area, and i just made a "B." i am so sad about this. it makes me feel like i am not good enough to do what i want to do. what i have learned today is that when i am sad about things that make me feel incompetent, i push those feelings onto the thing that makes me feel most incompetent: my weight. so i try to hyper-manage my diet in a way that leaves me completely bound. this was what i learned about myself today.

chevy's, p.f. changs, and olive garden...oh my!

ah, the wonderful world of eating out. this, for me, can be one of the most difficult tasks to navigate when trying to be healthy and get in shape. one of the biggest struggles is that eating out is unavoidable. it is one of the primary places we socialize. we go out for a drink. grab coffee. meet up for lunch. get together for happy hour. go out to dinner. these are some of the places that i am most likely to see my friends and have a great conversation. the problem is that sometimes it is not fun. if my mind is so focused on what to eat or not eat, there is hardly much brain power left to concentrate on just enjoying my friend. i have decided that i need a game plan. i think i need to brainstorm some "safe" foods that i can eat anywhere i go out. these will be the foods that i can order without stress and research before hand.

today for lunch i went with a great friend to a diner. it was a spur of the moment decision. the problem was, when i got there i was overly hungry. it was 1:00pm and all i had for breakfast was dried fruit and nuts. so, i ordered what sounded good. french onion soup and a roast beef sandwich. the sandwich had cheese and it was served with french fries. i basically "put a snake in my cart" as my old weight watchers leader would say. so, i knew when i got my food that i was going to have to administer some self control. i ate only half of the french fries and skipped most of the cheese on the soup. i will say that it was a bad choice to order the roast beef. let's get real: i have never liked beef. i am not sure why it sounded good. so, the result was i ate the bread and cheese and not much of the beef.

now, i have choices to make. will i let this derail my entire day? in the past, i would be inclined to think: dang, i screwed up already anyway, i might as well eat some chocolate too. now that i am turning over a new leaf, though, i know i need some better thinking. i think i will say: this was not the best thing i could have eaten, but i can make better decisions for the rest of the day. i read a book that said, "make the next best choice." that is what i am going to do. i will still exercise, i will eat healthier for dinner. i refuse to believe that our excursions in eating out have to derail everything about our diets. another way to look at it is that the food i ate still had value: bread has carbs that our bodies need, cheese has calcium and protein, and beef has protein. plus, she refilled my water at least twice, so that was good for me!!

today i weighed myself and i plan to take measurements of my hips, waist, thighs and arms. i have been struggling with whether to put those numbers on the blog. honestly, i find them pretty embarrassing. i think that what i will do is tell you all when i have lost/gained in pounds and inches, and even how much, but i don't think it is necessary to put my starting numbers on here. maybe when i am a whole new person i will want to share that information. now, though, i am still starting out and i am still living in those numbers that i wish were smaller. thanks for your love and support!
-t

the first day

the longest journey begins with the first step. today was my first day, my first step. i have had a great day today. i am proud of myself. for breakfast i made pancakes using heart smart bisquick with splenda, pecans, and oatmeal. they were very yummy. for lunch i had a tamale from trader joe's. they have cheese and green chili tamales that rock my world. for dinner i made one of my favorite  salads: raw spinach, dried cranberries, toasted almonds, feta, turkey, and light basalmic vinaigrette. I really wanted some bread with the salad, but  i went for some flatbread crisps. they were super yummy.

as far as exercise, i walked at home. i used the leslie sansone dvd. i did three miles in forty-five minutes and it was actually a really difficult workout. the great thing is that i do not have to go anywhere to do it. i can just put on some tennis shoes and go for it in my living room. my roommate and i have a couple of the dvd's. one is really difficult and the other is not so hard. i really recommend the "5-day slim down." i am sore but it is not so hard that i never want to do it again.

tonight the youngster i babysit asked me if there was a baby growing in my tummy. the beauty of children is that they always speak the truth because they do not know the taboo things they are not supposed to say. he reinforced my decisions today.

a workable plan

one of the most important aspects to this journey is that i have a plan that is reasonable. melinda said it well when she said, "remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint." i need to have tools that are available to me. one of the helpful tools i have decided to utilize is "the daily plate" on the livestrong website. it is an online tool that does calculations for me. i put in my weight, activity level and desired weight loss and it scales it based on a standard weight maintenance diet. it has a huge data base where i can search foods and exercises to apply as i eat and burn calories. my cousin, kyle, has been highly successful in his weight loss goals. he utilized this resource until he was able to eat intuitively in a more healthy manner.

the other aspect to the weight loss goal is my exercise plan. exercise has always been a struggle for me. when i was young, i had severe asthma which made exercise very difficult. i never really enjoyed sports because i was not good at them. my parents put me in sports: dance, soccer, gymnastics. unfortunately, the steroids i had to take for the asthma made me gain weight. i was not good at sports and they were pretty humiliating for me most of the time. as a result of these things, i never formed habits of exercise and i never fell in love with sports. my hope is that this can change. i have some "walk at home" dvds that are fairly enjoyable and a good work out. i also have a pilates dvd for flexibility. my goal is 30-45 minutes of exercise each day. my friend katie has also proposed working out in the evenings together.

many of you have asked how you can best support me. first of all, this is so meaningful to me. i thank you all for your love and encouragement. the best thing is to know that you are reading this blog. that will encourage me to stick with my plan and write about it. please comment with your advice, questions and encouragement. peace to you all. -t

we have to start somewhere...

so this is where i am starting. i have decided that the best way for me to actually get support and be held accountable is to blog this journey. for as long as i can remember, i have wanted to lose weight. i have wanted to be able to go into a store and find cute clothes that i feel comfortable in. i have wanted to go to the pool and not be obsessed about the horror of having to be in a bathing suit. so this is the beginning of my journey toward a different lifestyle. much of this journey also has to do with health. i am not getting younger, and i know that diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease all run in my family. i do not want to be affected with any of these ailments. so many times i lay in bed at night and think: tomorrow is the day. tomorrow i will be more motivated to make this change, but the reality is, each day i am still trapped in my own head. i need support, i need someone in the world to give a damn whether i exercised or not. i want someone to care about what i have eaten and how it affects me. so in this blog i will be talking about many things. i will be telling you what i am eating. i will be telling you about my exercise. i will be telling you about my feelings. the fact of the matter is, i am an extrovert in the truest sense of the word. i get my energy from others. i need people. i need you. i process my thoughts and feelings externally and i need dialogues. i am far too often stuck inside my own head. i need to change my life: my mind, my habits, my body and my techniques. blessings to you! -t